One Year

Dear Harlow,
One year.
6 months of little sleep, asking my parents to babysit…just so I could sleep, 3 pairs of my worn-in-perfectly cotton “woobie” yoga pants, 1 pair of lulu yoga pants, 3 pairs of patent leather shoes, 3 bras, 1 book, my favorite red wedge mary jane heels, Aunt Laurie’s flip-flops, my flip-flops, my favorite pillow, my “list”, Gram’s shoes, multiple tree ornaments…& that doesn’t even touch the stuff that survived despite the holes, & oh yes… potty-training.
As long as that list could be, it wouldn’t begin to compare in length if you were able to make one regarding me. My inconsistency would most likely top your list…
But that’s the beauty—dogs do not make lists, you just love. You’re a constant reminder of who I am, who I’m not, who I don’t have to try to be, how I can become better, where I can let go, where I can step it up, what is not important, & who is important.
Here are just a few things you’ve taught me that stand out most…
• Saying yes to every invite is not necessary, nor healthy.
• The “guilt” of being a parent (even to an animal) will always surface. So—accept it, make the best choice for both of you, & let it go. When it creeps back up… repeat.
• A slipcover that is clean AND put back on the sofa = A small, yet gratifying feat
• White Furniture + Black Dog = God’s sense of humor
• Over-analyzing is pointless.
• Smiles & Wags are sufficient displays of gratitude.
• Personalities are meant to be multi-dimensional.
• Frustration & force do not make someone the Alpha.
• Presence & appreciation are more fulfilling than any treat.
• A transparent bag of less-than-solid poop is a conversation starter for all curious children & a slice of humility for an adult.
• The metaphor of picking up the poop you’re responsible for is much more profound than the task itself.
So, yes—One year.
6 months of snoozing next to a cuddly puppy that sleeps-in later than me, multiple claw marks on my yoga mat that remind me who I get to see when I arrive home, 2 pairs of shoes (1 patent leather) simply relocated just for fun, 6 tennis-balls to fish out from under the couch or bed, 1 king-size duvet that mysteriously finds its way into the living room, 5 toys stolen from neighbors yards–“found” by you, 1 tree ornament (so far) found on the rug (unharmed), 1 cozy puppy to warm my feet while standing at the sink, too many kisses to count, 1 heart that melts, 2 eyes that tear up just thinking how grateful I am to have you in my life…& oh yes, my very own human-training.
Best. Dog. EVER.
Love, Hugs, Smiles, & Wags~
Mom

"Nuggets" that spoke to Doris

After I had shared my "Rhi-minders" I found a bunch of quotes & scripture that I've noted as well. It's like..."Pinterest" before Pinterest when it comes to quotes, words, etc. This blog is more of a catch-all for basically whatever fits at the moment. It's a lot easier for me to take from my journals (handwritten) & post them since I'm not thinking of an audience when I do that. You get more of a raw version of me & I'm quite okay with that. So...having said that, I was going to post some of the quotes & scriptures that I've held onto...but tonight, I was going through some of my Grandparents books & found quotes & scripture that my Gramma had written & saved. I won't post it all at once. But I love to wonder what was going on in her life as she captured these words & what they meant to her in that moment... This stuff is a treat, finding these little gems won't last forever... Enjoy!

(verbatim)

Bartlett
Barnetts book of quotes

When the love of power is overcome by the power of love, then there will be peace.

Who is convinced again of his will is of the same opinion still.

Pride blew it; let humility have a chance.

Pride halts progress.

A sense of humor is a sign of health.

Anger is. Rage need not be.

God is the architect. I am the builder.

Feelings are facts.

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child. But, when I became a man, I put away the things of a child. I Corinthians 13:11

Snoop Dog & the morning marinade

A couple of weeks ago, I had the pleasure of going to Vestal, NY for work. At first, I wasn't to thrilled with leaving for this training because there is so much to do at work, I couldn't see a reason to set those things aside & take time for a training session. ...I love it when God shows you that you're wrong! The training was just what I needed--I think I spent the whole first day of the session crying because we watched so many movie clips driving home the message of inspiration, communication, teamwork, passion, understanding, unity...you name it! The second day was filled with trying on new coaching skills...that "leaves others in their greatness." ; )

The last sentence may sound quite familiar to a handful of you. ; ). It made me smile & gave me a big hug of reassurance that my journey continues on a path that looks a little different, it's just as beautiful--& aligned with the same honest intentions of the heart.

While I was there, I did get a chance to try a hot yoga class--Vestal style (actually, Johnson City,NY) at the "Evolve" studio. I walked in a few quick minutes before the beginning of class...I was the first! ...?!? That never happens! It ended up being two other girls, the teacher, & myself. It was different to me in the way that we had mirrors all around us & everthing started on the left. Even the "roll onto your right side" after savasana was a "roll onto your left". No judgement, just different. There were a few cues that landed awesomely (yeah, that's a word.). But what I loved the most were the yogis that we're there--one of the girls just came right (or left?) out & said, "I'm terrible at this!!!--but I love how I feel when I leave...so I keep coming back!!"

Bam!--that's it sister! : )

Not only the yogis were cool, but the people in our Vestal office were the same. They were so inviting & gracious! As a parting gift, they sent us home with "Spiedie Sauce"--it's a marinade that is used in that region of NY apparently. They put it on any sort of meat, marinade it for 24 hours to 3 days, grill on skewers, put it all on bread, & chow down.

I had my parents over to grill yesterday. I hadn't gotten the marinade on the night before, so as I got ready for work, I prepped the chicken. Now, I dont know if anyone else feels this way--but raw chicken juice grosses me out beyond belief. It's not the juice itself, but what it smells like if you happen to drip some of the juice on a rug, floor, etc. with not knowing you've done so. Years ago, I was prepping a bunch of chicken & some of the juice spilled onto one of my rugs. Talk about a foul...or should I say...fowl smell! Upset that the rug wasn't going to recover if I put it in the washer & dryer...& spot cleaning wasnt an option due to the rank odor...I had to let the rug go.

So yesterday morning...prepping, remembering the importance of not getting chicken juice on anything--I carefully picked up the packaging & started walking over to the trash. Almost immediately, there was random dripping! ...so, I sped up my pace to the trash, it sped up its dripping pace, I then slipped on the juice & bit it on the floor...horrified--chicken juice everywhere! As I cleaned up, Snoop Dog lyrics crept in...Gin & Juice...but it was more like..."slippin' on chick'en juice"...it has yet to leave my head...

The Spiedie's were tasty!!! I had told a friend at work about my morning...& you've gotta love it when someone you are unaware that knows comes up & says..."does anyone smell chicken juice??".

Good luck to you as you prep for this holiday!

Have a beautiful & "laid back" holiday weekend everyone!!!

<3 Rhi

Rhi~minders ; )

I've been writing this big, long blog entry & I can't seem to wrap it up. It's based on my finding a journal entry from years ago...which I'm sure I'll eventually post, but in a moment of being sidetracked I found more journal entries...& am noticing that there are something's that are a broken record (the fact that I did a strikethrough on the actual journal entry cracks me up) & others are simple thoughts/observations that I jotted down. Those are my favorites... What better a person to remind you of yourself, than you?

So here it is verbatim...

2011: New Years Resolution

Give up striving for perfection

Contentment

Simplify & Balance... : )

The clothes (other than pj's) that I love to wear the most are ones that my friends were going to part with. Worn-in, comfy jeans w/ a few holes or frays here & there.

The homes that I feel most comfortable in are not overly organized--they are simply lived in.

The people that I love to be around the most are able to laugh at their "imperfections" & their "quirks", I find to be endearing.

The best things that have happened in my life have been unplanned.

High Five!!!

Before I left for work this morning~awesomeness happened...

Harlow gave me her first high five!

Harlow is my puppy. She's an 8 mo old black lab & the best "Black Friday" purchase I have ever made.
Let me tell you about her...
1. She loves to give gifts; sticks, dried flowers, rocks, & 2 mice (the first one I called my dad for clean-up & the second I stood my ground & faced a fear~surprisingly the mouse did not awaken from the dead, grow to the size of a cat, & chase after me...(yes, fear + an over-active imagination = crazy thoughts).
2. She likes banana chips in her cereal (morning puppy chow)
3. She has ninja moves~if she's excited to see you she will jump into the air, twist her little body sideways, & kick-launch herself off of your body...& most of the time land on all fours. Good times!
4. Sometimes when she breathes it sounds like a teenager with a retainer...mouth breathing. ...& I love the sound regardless!
5. She unfortunately has great "taste" in shoes.
6. Very gassy!...Putrid!
7. Freaking cute as all get-out!
8. Loves to chill in front of the screen door while storms roll through.
9. She's my little sugar-coated bad ass
10....& she can now rock a high five!

Breaking the rules...my rules...

I have a problem. A big problem. I'm a rule-maker & not a rule-breaker. That has gotta change!
So, I can honestly say that my mind is one never ending blog post. But I haven't written because I'm so hell-bent on finishing a story that means the world to me, doing it in a way that honors every piece, every detail that I can think of, & doing it consecutively, in order, ...& perfect. Yep, that word that I let hold me back.
After a great night with one of the most amazing women I know~she talked into setting the past aside & writing about now!
Finally~I am!
There's nothing more NOW than sitting in my car cross legged, blogging, having to police cars behind me, & I just declined to give them my license & registration. ;)
There's a story behind this~but I don't have time to tell it. God created some space for me to blog & now he's telling me to wrap it up!
It's messy, imperfect, & just right!!!

Timeline continued…

Sunday, October 2 (evening)—My Gramma fell onto the cement while trying to get out of my aunts van. As many of you know, you could ask Doris to stay put & tell her you’d be right back, but if she felt the need to do otherwise during your absence, she wouldn’t think twice about going on with her business, & would proceed. She loved the freedom & ability to do things on her own—& she never lost the spark for seeking out the times when she had the opportunity to do so.


Monday, October 3—I spoke to my Dad & he filled me in on what happened the day before. I didn’t think too much of it since he said she was talking like normal, etc. But they had taken her to the hospital--& if I remember correctly, had found out she had a stroke & there was bleeding on the brain. As my dad & I went about our conversation, I remained positive—I guess I didn’t think it was possible for her not to be okay…& from what I was hearing him say, it sounded as if she was going to be. I did pick up on him being a little quieter than normal, but dismissed it. He can be very quiet at times.

If you know my dad, you know that most of the time, he’s a man of few words—it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have anything to say, he just likes to think about stuff. One-on-one conversations with him are very insightful & engaging. Get him talking about something that he has a passion for & he’ll knock your socks off with his knowledge on the subject & convey a perspective most would never consider exploring. One thing that is always constant—his sense of humor. It’s…odd, it’s funny, & people may hesitate because it’s soooo outside of the box—but they usually have a big grin on their face once they get it---& then he’s on a roll & will continue to make you & himself laugh.

Thinking back on it, his sense of humor was the one piece missing during that conversation. I had tried to make a few jokes with him & there was no budging. The only other time I can remember this happening is when my black lab, Sydney died while I was living in Denver. He said over the phone, “Syd’s gone” & I responded with a joke referring to her aged hips—“Where’d she go Dad? She can’t get that far…” …again, no budge. …then I realized what he was trying to say.


Tuesday, October 4-—Tuesday started out normal. I went to work & then to yoga afterwards. It was at the studio, while I was talking to my Aunt Laurie that I realized my Gramma’s fall was a serious matter. My conversation with my Dad then made sense.

After yoga, Laurie & I decided to go to the hospital to visit my Gramma—despite the fact that we’d just sweat for 75 minutes straight. We were sure she’d be just excited to see us as much as we were excited to see her, sweaty clothes & all!

When we got there, my Aunt Nancy was talking on the phone in the hall. She hung up & gave us a report on how my Gramma was—she was doing well, still talking, a little discouraged, but coherent. She was resting when we walked in—so, as a family---Nancy, Bernie, Laurie, & myself just carried on normal conversations, joking & laughing while the TV was tuned into two teams battling to make it to World Series.

My Gramma woke up a little while after we had filled the room with our liveliness. Unfortunately, when she did, she was unable to speak. She was trying, but we would soon find out that she was having a seizure. We called for a nurse. The nurses came in & did what they could to provide comfort. Nancy & I prayed over my Gramma, while Laurie contacted my Aunt Janet who was on her way back to the hospital, after spending all day there, to provide her with an update. While I prayed, I felt as though my Grampa was watching over us & saying “Take care of her, that’s my bride.”
Several nurses came in & out of the room over the next several hours. They gave her seizure & blood pressure meds. My Gramma’s blood pressure was the highest in the hospital at one point—which constituted for additional attention. We joked with her despite her inability to respond—she was our “over-acheiver”.

My Dad arrived around midnight. Nancy & Bernie had either just left or were about to head out. My Gramma was finally resting & her blood pressure was steadily lowering. Laurie, Janet, & myself were going through the bags of candy Janet had brought & snacking on the spicy chicken fill & chips my Dad contributed upon his arrival. The three of us girls decided to make use of the paper & markers we had at our fingertips to have our own “HArt Prize” (Hospital Art Prize). Laurie & I started coloring & Janet made a beeline for privacy to complete her masterpiece…
At 1:05am, Laurie posted the 1st Prize & Runner Up announcement amongst our drawings on the cabinets in front of my Grammas hospital bed—with a disclaimer that read: **HArt Prize judging at 1am—All entries must be present to win.

We kissed my Gramma goodbye & ventured to say good night to Janet—who we found in one of the family areas…with a magazine picture of flowers that looked similar to the one traced on Janet’s paper--& some instant-coffee grounds smushed into the paper for “color & texture”.

…that is why my family makes me smile. : )

...continued

I think a timeline would be good here...

Friday, Sept 30~ 34th Birthday

Sunday, October 2~ Yoga Birthday Party at the studio

I stop at my Aunt Laurie's before the party to pick her up & grab all the goods for my sweaty shindig.

Michael, my uncle, has the rest of the crew loaded up in the mini-van destined for church. Gramma included! As she was waiting, I went outside to see her. I gave her a hug & as I did she said, "Get in here, let's go!" It was a quick moment of shame--who wants to tell their Gramma they aren't going to church with her...?...not me...but I did. She didn't judge. If she had, I would have known. She pretty much always said how she felt.

...which reminds me of a piece of advice Laurie had gifted me this summer..."You need a little more "Doris" in you!"

...for those that are sensitive (myself included), my Gramma's truth was not guaranteed to leave you feeling like you've received a pat on the back...she didn't tell you what you wanted to hear~she told you HER truth. Everytime I would respond with how I felt, my truth--she would always pause...taking a moment to respectfully consider it from my perspective. ...which led to some of the best & most cherished conversations I've ever had with another human being. No presence of debate or cries of trying to be understood. Just simple understanding...from both of us.

So, yes...I agree~I need a little more "Doris" in me. : )

I think we all do.

And NOW is right on time.

It only seems right to start out this post with a gift given to me by another...

"YOUR JOURNEY HAS MOLDED YOU FOR YOUR GREATER GOOD, AND IT WAS EXACTLY WHAT IT NEEDED TO BE. DON'T THINK THAT YOU'VE LOST TIME. IT TOOK EACH AND EVERY SITUATION YOU HAVE ENCOUNTERED TO BRING YOU TO THE NOW. AND NOW IS RIGHT ON TIME." ~ASHA TYSON
(Thank you Lindsay <3)

It's been several months now since my Gramma passed away. The entire experience has left me enlightened, comforted, at peace, & in awe.

The last several months have been a journey. It will take me a few posts to bring you to the now. Let's begin...

I moved out of my apartment mid-Sept & into my grandparents house in Hudsonville. At the time, I was depressed as all get out. I truly felt like I had bought into chasing a "dangling carrot"...trying to live beyond status quo. I hadn't planned that for myself. In fact, that is exactly what I didn't want...but somehow I kept feeding into it unknowingly.

I knew I had to get out of my apartment...it was feeling more like a trap than a space to lay my head at night & sleep peacefully. I loved the area where I was living, but after looking at a few different locations I couldn't bear the thought of not having a garage...that seems really silly now...but at the time, it was one of few wishes on my list of important items I wanted for this new place I was going to call home.

I took an impromptu day off to look at places. As I drove away from one peticular apartment complex that completely creeped me out & brought out the internal voice that screamed "Get out of here!"...another voice popped in & said "What about Gramma's?"

No one had lived in the house for years (with the exception of my cousin for a few months.) So I called my dad & asked what he thought. He said it would be good--he'd run it by a couple of family members, but just to plan on it.

My shoulders sunk down...finally...relief!

That weekend, I drove over there to simply go inside & get a feel for it being the right place for me. It was. I couldn't help but feel honored to have the opportunity to cook in the kitchen that my Gramma had cooked in, wake up & have coffee in the sun room that my grandparents both enjoyed together, & above all--to be in a home that was filled with so much love--after years of vacancy...I could still feel it.

Perfect

I love this song by Pink. I hadn't really internalized her words until recently. I thought the audience was angled solely to others in her life--but I now get that the intended audience is herself...& then to share the experience with others.

I love the person that I am. ...emotionally, physically, & spiritually. Where I need to give more love to me is patience & acceptance when I try on something new...

...which is constant.

We are perfect in God's eyes.

I pray that we are all able to see ourselves & others through His eyes. I can only imagine how beautiful that would be.

So yes, sharing my experience with others is exactly why I'm launching this blog...launching it like a firework...

The experience though my eyes... No rules, no apologies, just me.

Boom! <3